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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26595712">in the heart of my chest, you hide</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/biggayhighway/pseuds/biggayhighway'>biggayhighway</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>EastEnders (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Coming Out, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, barely a 'theres only one bed' fic, but there is only one bed, uni students AU</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 03:03:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,505</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26595712</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/biggayhighway/pseuds/biggayhighway</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Callum turns his head and looks at him. The moon lights the side of his face so sharply he looks like a figure carved from stone. Ben wants to take a picture of it, or paint it, or something to seal this moment in medium forever. </p><p>-<br/>ballum lockdown gift for @icantdowithoutyou!!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell, Jay Brown/Lola Pearce, Whitney/Callum but barely</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>61</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>ballum lockdown</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>in the heart of my chest, you hide</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/asofterkit/gifts">icantdowithoutyou (asofterkit)</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Kit!!! You are absolutely one of my favourite creators in this fandom and it was such an honour to create this for you. i really hope you enjoy it xox</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"You okay? I know this is probably the last thing you need right now." </p><p>"On holiday, though. Who breaks up with someone on fucking holiday?" </p><p>"Whitney, I guess?" Ben answers softly, and he really does try to lighten the mood, but he knows it sounds like mocking. He hopes Callum understands his attempt. He apologises softly, and Callum throws a hand in his direction as if to say 'don't worry about it.' </p><p>At least Callum has a place to stay, because the little bed-and-breakfast they're staying at is completely full with visitors and Uni students like themselves trying to cram in a long weekend by the sea whilst it's hot out. Jay and Lola are in the room over, sharing their bed of course, because you couldn't pry them apart if you wanted to at the moment, puppy love, and all that.</p><p>Whitney and Callum had been sharing the room next to theirs for the first two nights, until Whitney got drunk at the karaoke bar on the seafront and announced over the microphone at the end of a very sloppy duet with Lola of Britney Spears'<em> 'Hit Me Baby One More Time,' </em> that she was breaking up with him. That had concluded with them both talking outside rather loudly, Whitney slowly sobering up until she declared she was going back to the hotel room and that she'd let Callum come and pack in the morning but he needed to find somewhere else to sleep for the night.</p><p>Ben had offered his room, previously only occupied by just him, and only because he felt bad for Callum, he swears. Callum is one of his best friends and when you have an extra side of a queen-sized bed to hand out to a pal in need, you offer it. Because, of course, Ben only has one bed. Callum gratefully accepts the offer nonetheless. </p><p>"What you need is some sleep," Ben hums softly, standing behind Callum. He wants to put his hand on Callum's shoulder but he's stood there shirtless and in a pair of Ben's sweats that just about fit him, but ride up a little high on his calves. It doesn't feel right.</p><p>"I know, but-" </p><p>"I could go down to reception?" Ben asks. Callum is looking out the window at the street below. Ben really wishes he would turn around and look at him. "I'll ask if they have another room. They must have emptied out a bit by now." </p><p>Ben throws another cautionary glance at Callum as he turns, swiping up the room key from the table. He starts rummaging through the pile of clothes on the chair in the corner, looking for a pair of jeans he can pull on quickly.</p><p>"Wait- no." Callum grabs his forearm. "It's like 4am."</p><p>"It's open twenty-four- seven."</p><p>"I- I know that but its- it's not such a big deal. I appreciate the company."</p><p>Ben tries his absolute hardest not to let that warm his chest, but it does, because Ben is your typical love-struck young adult pining over his straight best friend and he knows it. He carries the title proudly, if only in his mind and not out loud. If Callum found out- Ben doesn't think he'd be able to look him in the eyes ever again.</p><p>"Well, that's friends are for, ain't it?" </p><p>Callum sighs audibly whilst Ben then moves to organise the mess on his bedside table. His eyes are starting to sting from fatigue, but he doesn't really want to sleep until he knows that Callum isn't going to stay up all night gazing longingly at a pitch-black distant ocean and wondering what could have been. </p><p>There's a dull <em> thunk </em> on glass, and when Ben turns, empty mug in hand, Callum is pressing his forehead to the cold window. Ben drags a hand down his face. He wonders briefly if the others are asleep yet. </p><p>"It's just one more night. Then we go home, yeah?" Ben tries his hardest to comfort, but when he approaches Callum, he notices there are tears in his eyes. He feels utterly useless, standing there in a t-shirt and underwear whilst his best friend cries at the window. </p><p>He doesn't know what to do at all, because he's never done this before. He doesn't know if he should touch him or not, or if so, where, or if he should ask if Callum wants a hug, or maybe just <em> offer him a tissue like a normal person </em>, his mind supplies for him. Callum speaks before he has the chance to scour for a tissue box.</p><p>"Is it bad that I'm relieved?" </p><p>His voice is thick with tears, and it sounds like his throat has closed up a little, but it's still Callum. He's still as soft-spoken as ever, maybe even more so. Ben feels like they're sharing secrets, asking forbidden questions. But it feels right. The air and atmosphere are too delicate at such an early time for speaking with any confidence.</p><p>Ben shakes his head and catches Callum's gaze in the reflection on the window. They're lit by the bright moon.</p><p>Ben understands where Callum is coming from. Sometimes you don't realise you need to leave until it happens. Sometimes falling apart is something premeditated, something expected subconsciously. He's been in Callum's position before. Teary goodbyes where once the pain fades, it's replaced with relief. Pure freedom, the realisation that you're not tethered down anymore. Sometimes it's bliss, other times it's more painful than you can bear to imagine.</p><p>"Am I a terrible person?" Callum asks, and it's even quieter this time. It's almost like an exhale, and if Ben hadn't been awaiting his voice, he might have missed it. </p><p>"No," Ben sighs, just a little louder than Callum. "You're not a bad person for feeling relief." </p><p>"I thought that-" Callum presses the heel of his palm against the glass. Ben wonders if the cold grounds him. "I thought I'd be stuck with her forever." </p><p>"Everyone feels like that. You always want to be together when you start out. It's like Jay and Lola, isn't it? They're already-"</p><p>"No. I don't want that. Didn't. It was- it was like as soon as we got serious, I hated it. I wanted out and we weren't even a month in."</p><p>Now that, Ben isn't expecting. He's seen the way Callum looks at Whitney, he's longed for Callum to be looking at him like that instead of her. She hardly ever looked at him back, and Ben had wanted to go over and tell her, grasp her firmly by the shoulders and tell her to, <em> "look at your boyfriend, for Christ's sake, look at the way he looks at you." </em></p><p>But Callum is so kind. He's so gentle, so quiet. Keeps to himself and only wants the best for everyone. No wonder he hadn't spoken up about it. No wonder Whitney ended it, she'd obviously sensed that something wasn't right. </p><p>"Why didn't you leave?" Ben questions. If only he'd known, if only Callum had just said something. </p><p>"I didn't want to hurt her. Never will. But I didn't love her, not like that." </p><p>"That's not your fault, and it's over now. You're in a great place, you can go and pick up every woman you want now."</p><p>Callum turns his head and looks at him. It takes Ben back a little, reminds him that he's wearing hardly anything, and Callum isn't in too much different of a state. The moon lights the side of his face so sharply he looks like a figure carved from stone. Ben wants to take a picture of it, or paint it, or something to seal this moment in medium forever. </p><p>Callum turns around fully, bare back against the glass as he leans against the windowsill. He hisses at the cold. </p><p>Ben looks him dead in the dark silver eyes that he can barely make out, and neither of them look away. Ben doesn't know if he's the only one to feel the atmosphere shift. He can't find it in him to ask. </p><p>"That's not- I'm-" Callum pauses and sighs. "That's not who I'm looking for, though." </p><p>God, those <em> eyes </em> . Ben can barely see them in the low light, but he doesn't know how he'll be able to live without them now he's gotten a taste of what it's like to be looked at like that by <em> him </em>. </p><p>Everything doesn't quite make sense. Ben is sure he has to be imagining that Callum is moving closer, because this is how his hazy, early morning dreams start. But those dreams are blurry, and come in bits and chunks behind closed eyelids. Even though it’s dark, this is clearer. It’s all happening so quickly, so suddenly. It’s confusing, but it's clear. Crystal clear. </p><p>"Please kiss me," Callum pleads. His voice is so quiet, but his face is so near. </p><p>Ben has been pulled tight for so long. He's shaking, threatening to snap, but suddenly it's all released and it feels like every gap in his heart closes up again to make something whole. This is what he's been waiting for, hoping for. Maybe somewhere deep down he knew they'd find each other. </p><p>So Ben does. </p><p>It's just like kissing any other nameless face, but this is Callum. It's so strange, because he hasn't quite come to terms with the fact that Callum and Whitney have broken up yet. He hasn't quite registered that Callum Highway, his 'straight best friend' to be pined over, has actually been very much so not-straight this entire time.</p><p>He doesn't know where to put his hands. Callum is shirtless. There's so much skin to see, so many places to put his hands. He doesn't want to push, but Callum is grasping the back of Ben's head in his hands, pulling him effortlessly closer, so Ben lets his hands push and drag and smooth down planes of skin. He takes, and he takes, and he takes because he doesn't know how long this will last; he doesn't know how long he’ll be able to call Callum his. </p><p>But it all comes rushing back so quickly. So quickly that Ben grasps Callum's forearms and pushes them both away from each other.</p><p>"You're not in a good place." Ben knows he's right, and he knows Callum knows there's some truth to his words by the way his eyebrows furrow just a little above his puppy-dog eyes.</p><p>"You just told me I was in a great place."</p><p>"This is different," Ben persists. He wants this, yes, and it's all he's ever wanted but Callum is in all sorts of places right now, and Ben won't be caught taking any kind of advantage of him in a million years. "You've just been broken up with, you're just rebounding. I won't let you do something you'll regret."</p><p>"I won't regret this. I know I won't. I've thought about this for such a long time."</p><p>That one hits home. He and Callum are so similar at this moment. They've been orbiting on the same axis for so long and they're only just now meeting after barely missing each other so many times. Everything comes together.</p><p>"I've known for so long, since before I met you, since before Uni, College, all of that. But I'm not like you, Ben. I didn't tell anyone because I was so <em> scared </em> . I was terrified of who I was, but you're so unashamed. I wanted so badly to be like you, to be <em> with </em>you." Callum's large, cold hands come up to cup Ben's face and Ben takes a moment to breathe it all in. It's just like he imagined and it's perfect. His hands are so big. Ben feels surrounded by everything he could ever wish for, and he has to mentally check he isn't in some sort of dreamscape. Callum's eyes knock him out of that state of mind pretty quickly, because there's no way his mind could create something so beautiful.</p><p>"You could have told me." </p><p>And then those gorgeous eyes get all cloudy, and glossy with tears again. Ben hates it. He never wants to see Callum cry. Fate is so cruel.</p><p>"I know," Callum croaks wetly, wiping at his eyes. By instinct, Ben opens his arms, and it's strange to be so surrounded by bare warmth. Callum is significantly taller than him, but somehow they make it work. They always have, and they always will, if Ben has anything to say about it. Callum pushes his damp face into Ben’s shoulder. "I don't know why I didn't."</p><p>"You weren't ready. It's alright."</p><p>Ben pulls Callum even closer and cautiously places his hand on the back of Callum’s head. He sees so much of himself in Callum. He’s been through this before, he’s fought that internal war, come to the devastating realisation. He knows exactly how it feels- he doesn't think he's likely to ever forget. He’d never had that shoulder to cry on, too young to have made any real, understanding friends, too desperate to be something he wasn't in front of his father. Seeking approval was a way of life for him, still is sometimes. </p><p>He doesn't know a lot about Callum’s family. He's picked up bits and pieces, off-handed comments in conversation. Ben knows enough to understand that he and Callum are probably in the same boat. It's an awful boat to be in, but at least they have each other. Ben is so thankful that Callum has opened up this part of himself. He's so glad they're doing this now, so glad that Callum is not hiding anymore, not pretending to be something that he isn't. Ben knows how much that hurts, trying to squeeze into a shell that doesn't fit. </p><p>“I'm sorry,” Callum sniffles, pulling away. Ben watches him move, but longs to hold him again. Callum sits down on the side of the bed. “I'm such a mess.”</p><p>Ben sits next to him, shuffles close so that their thighs are pressed together. Callum looks at him. Ben doesn't think he could feel much more love. His chest almost aches with it. </p><p>“Why don’t we sleep? We can talk about this tomorrow, yeah?”</p><p>It feels right. Puts a cap on the evening, sticks a pin in it with the promise of finishing what they've started. They're both exhausted, and tomorrow is another day. A day where they can open up more to each other in the light. </p><p>Ben sticks to his side of the bed, and Callum makes himself at home on the other, and the air is peaceful for the first time that evening. It's not tense, not awkward. It feels right. Warmth like this is something Ben craves but hasn't felt in a while. Something in him heals, he’s at ease and satisfied to his bones for the first time in a while. He hopes Callum feels the same way. It's a blissful contentment. </p><p>And if Ben turns over and intertwines their legs under the duvet, no one has to know. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>@biggayhighway on tumblr</p></blockquote></div></div>
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